Gomenasai
by Yaoifan101
Summary: Hiroki thinks he's losing Nowaki and his feelings are revealed to himself and Nowaki Egoist Nowaki/Hiroki REVIEW T to be safe Song-Gomenasai Tatu first ever song fic
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer-okay yadda yadda I in no way own Junjou Romantica Egoist or the character nor the song Gomenasai it is owned by Tatu**_

_**.............**_

_'What I thought wasn't mine, In the light, wasn't one of a kind. A precious pearl._

Hiroki didn't know how it could have happened, how could this have possibly happened. He'd chosen to ignore this for so long. With Nowaki choosing to go study abroad like that.....and then all those times were he had found Nowaki doing rather questionable things, and then to find him sleeping with that other guy.

He was losing him.

The mere thought of this made Hiroki feel as if he'd burst into tears, he shook his head, how out of character he must sound right now. After all he was 'Kamijou the devil' not scared of anything...anything was scared of him. But if this was so true then why did he feel like this.

His heart had already been broken he didn't want for it to happen again.

_When I wanted to cry, I couldn't 'cause I wasn't allowed._

It wasn't his fault that he wasn't likable to other people. It confused him sometimes of how Nowaki could put up with him. He hated to admit it to himself but it was true. Nowaki was always so nice and accepting to him, and he repaid him with yelling and pain.

_'Gomenasai for everything_

_Gomenasai, I know I let you down_

_Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend Like I do now._

He couldn't help but almost wince in realization of how cruel he must be. Maybe he deserved this, maybe he should've seen this coming, after all they were four years apart in age. Nowaki was a Pediatrician and he was an Assistant Professor of a Literature department. Nowaki was kind hearted and sweet and he was cold hearted and cruel.

Nowaki showed his feelings and he didn't....maybe Nowaki finally gave up. Maybe he'd blocked him off to long.

_What I thought wasn't all so innocent_

_Was a delicate doll of porcelain_

_When I wanted to call you and ask you for help_

_I stopped myself_

He saw this coming, he knew this would happen, it would only be a matter of time until Nowaki lost interest in him, he knew that this relationship could never work.....

Right?

_Gomenasai for everything_

_Gomenasai, I know I let you down_

_Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend Like I do now._

Hiroki heard the faint noise of the crunching snow under his feet. It was Winter, the icy wind blew past him the small ice crystals stinging his cheeks. Hiroki couldn't help but shiver slightly from the hold he opened the door to the apartment and stepped inside hanging up his jacket.

Nowaki was still at the hospital. Hiroki let out a sigh at this. He sat down on the couch sitting there in the dimly lit room. What had he been thinking when he started dating him...how could he have thought this relationship would work out. After all how could anyone like Nowaki ever like someone like him. His stupid pride caused everything bad to happen....he couldn't show his feelings to Nowaki because of it......and that probably what drove Nowaki away from him, this was his own fault.

_What I thought was a dream, a mirage_

_Was as areal as it seemed, a privilege _

_When I wanted to tell you, I made a mistake _

_I walked away_

Hiroki looked down sorrow filling his eyes he loved Nowaki...he truly did. It made his heart ache to think that he was losing him, just as he had almost Akihiko. He couldn't live with that, no, no not again. He wouldn't be able to live through that pain again, he couldn't live through his life with Nowaki's face haunting his mind. Not with vivid memories of him, he couldn't do that again.

Hiroki could feel his eyes sting with pain an aching pain consumed his heart. He could feel his lip quivering involuntary.

_Gomenasai, for everything, Gomenasai, Gomenasai_

_Gomenasai, I never needed a friend, Like I do now_

His breath trembled as he closed his eyes crystal drops falling from his eyes.

"Gomenasai" he whispered.

His shoulders shook lightly as he sobbed

_Gomenasai, I let you down, Gomenasai, Gomenasai_

He didn't want to lose Nowaki, he couldn't lose Nowaki, he needed him. He needed Nowaki so much.

"Gomenasai" he said again.

He kept sobbing silently and quietly sitting there in the dark room. When to strong arms rapped around him from behind.

"It's alright Hiro-san, I'm here now" Nowaki whispered into his ear in a comforting manor, holding his sobbing lover his head resting on the others shoulder.

Hiroki could feel his worries being swept away almost instantly at Nowaki's touch.

_Gomenasai till the end, I never needed a friend_

_Like I do now_

Nowaki's scent drifted through the air the very scent seeming to soothe Hiroki's sobs. He reached up his own hands holding them around Nowaki's, as if assuring himself that Nowaki would always be his, and he would always be Nowaki's.

In this moment of peace Hiroki let his head rested against Nowaki's chest, and Nowaki didn't say anything, just merely smiled warmly at the brunette.

Hiroki felt himself drifting off as he let a stray drop fall from his eye.

"Gomenasai, I love you" he whispered.

Nowaki said nothing to him but kept smiling, He rested his head in the crook of the others neck.

"You have no need to be sorry Hiro-san, because I love you too" he said.

The two laid like that all night, contempt falling asleep in each others arms.

Hiroki just couldn't help it though, he needed Nowaki.

TBC

_**yes I know strange i'd continue this but I'm putting a reason for why he says Im sorry I love you PLEASE REVIEW**_


	2. I love you so much

_**disclaimer- yeah yeah I don't own Junjou romantica Egoist or the characters.....if i did there would be tons more Egoist and more sex scenes like the manga.....WHY ISN'T MY DREAM A REALITY!!!???**_

_**................**_

Hiroki let out a sigh he had woken up just how he had fallen asleep, he had found the potion comforting. Nowaki could always make him feel better. But to his disappointment there was still an ache in his heart. It bothered him he tried to ignore it but it wouldn't go away.

Hiroki glanced over at Nowaki who was coming out of the bedroom now having showered and changed. Nowaki looked at Hiroki.

"Are you feeling better today Hiro-san" he asked. Hiroki looked over at him.

"Yeah" he replied silently though it wasn't the truth. He stood up.

"Hm" Nowaki asked "were are you going" he asked watching the brunette walk across the room.

"I'm ganna take a walk" he said walking to the door and slipping on his coat, he opened and then shut the door behind him.

Hiroki walked along the white cold empty streets, the sky was tinted white making everything look almost bright in a way. Hiroki kept his hands in his pockets as he walked letting out a breath watching his breath fog out in front of his face. He needed some time to think, and what better time to think then the Winter.

After all...everything was white and pure and blank, it allowed him to clear his mind and think clearly. With his mind now free of fog he could see his problem.

He was still sorry, that was what was bothering him. The previous night he had told Nowaki that he was sorry that he loved him. The way Nowaki had responded though made Hiroki think he hadn't understood what he had meant.

Nowaki was just such a perfect person, he was just so kind and gentle to everyone. But he returned his kindness with anger, Hiroki was surprised he hadn't in some way corrupted him. That might have been one of Hiroki's greatest fears besides losing Nowaki, it was turning his warm and loving heart into one of coldness and hatred. If he ever did that to him he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

He was no good for Nowaki, he was a lovey-dovey person...and he just wasn't. How did Nowaki feel about this anyways....did he have a pain in his heart from him hurting it. Was he hurting Nowaki to.

All of these thoughts were the exact reason he was so sorry. He was so sorry that he loved Nowaki.

"Gomenasai" he whispered again.

Hiroki felt freezing, how long had he been standing out here anyways. Long enough probably. He let out a sigh the white helped him clear his mind and think, and just like what happens when you put something on something blank it changed. And as if it was becoming literal, the white sky began to tint a grey color. Hiroki felt the breeze pick up so he decided it was time to head home.

He was lucky he did a few minutes after he had opened the door a snow storm erupted.

"Ah, welcome back Hiro-san" Nowaki greeted smiling warmly at him. Hiroki could feel a lump in his throat and a heavy feeling in his stomach....seeing Nowaki smile like that.

He didn't deserve it.

He didn't deserve Nowaki, to see him smile that, he didn't deserve him at all. Because Nowaki didn't deserve his cruelty either. Nowaki was a good person, thats why he didn't deserve him, a devil like him didn't deserve such a loving kindhearted person like Nowaki. He'd given Nowaki something he never deserved and thats why he didn't deserve Nowaki himself.

Last night he had held onto Nowaki to show himself that Nowaki would always be his and he would be Nowaki's......he was selfish. Nowaki looked at the brunette concerned why he wasn't answering him.

Nowaki stood up from the couch and walked over to him.

"Hiro-san is something wrong" he asked. Then there was a flicker of the lights and the sound of static electricity rubbing against each other and then the lights went out. Nowaki looked up as the lights turned off. "The powers out" he said but focused his attention to Hiroki once more.

"I think I'll just go to bed" Hiroki said and began to walk past Nowaki.

"But its still early" Nowaki replied.

"So?" Hiroki asked.

"Wait" Nowaki said grabbing his wrist.

"What's wrong with you let go of me" Hiroki said trying to rip away his hand but Nowaki's grip held firmly. Hiroki was forced to look at him his hazel eyes meeting Nowaki's blue eyes, and then he found that he couldn't look away, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Hiro-san.....is something bothering you?" he asked his blue eyes brimming with concern. Hiroki opened his mouth ready to lie, but with his eyes still staring into Nowaki's he found himself unable to lie to him. His mouth wasn't listening to him the words disappeared in his throat.

He stared at Nowaki his mouth still open and this time his body acted on its own.

"Gomenasai" the words fell from his mouth he let his eyes finally lower to the ground. Nowaki blinked at, and then pulled the older male toward him wrapping his arms around him. The embrace lasted a few seconds, then Nowaki pulled away slightly, enough to look at Hiroki.

"But I love you Hiro-san, why are you sorry?" he asked. What Hiroki said to him confused him, it was like an oximoron. What reason could Hiroki have for being sorry for loving him.

Hiroki stood there letting his thoughts pile up in his head he felt small suddenly, it was maybe one of the first times he had ever felt small....he didn't like it, what was wrong with him, someone like him shouldn't be acting like this.

"I'm not sorry I love you because I don't think you love me or that I don't love you" he said his head was hung slightly he didn't want to look at Nowaki...no he couldn't look him in the eyes and say this.

"I'm sorry because I love you so horribly" he said finally. He felt his figure trembling he couldn't tell if it was from the cold or not though. Nowaki widened his eyes looking down at the brunette.

"W-what, what are you talking about Hiro-san" he asked his brows furrowed together.

"I'm sorry because I love you horribly....its wrong" he said his eyes squinting slightly his hands began to clench around the fabric of the others shirt. "Your a good person and I'm.....I'm just not" he admitted with tears filling his eyes. "I don't deserve you" he said Nowaki widened his eyes. "I don't deserve to have someone like you and you don't deserve the cruelty that I've given you either" he said.

"You've always been so kind to me and.....and I've always repaid you with hatred...." he said his figure trembling. "I love you and I hate myself for it....I want you to never leave me.....and its selfish.....because I don't deserve you....I'm wrong for you" he said as he felt hot tears drip off his face. "I'm causing you pain when he don't deserve it and I hate myself for it.....I hate myself for loving you in such a way" he said his fingers tightening even more around the fabric of his shirt. "I don't want to do that to you.....I don't want to turn your heart into something cold and hateful and I know if you stay with me thats exactly what will happen" he said the tears streaming down his face.

"I love you" he said "I love you so much....and thats why I don't want to hurt you.....I don't want you to have to put up with this cruelty, I don't deserve to have you, and its selfish for me to love you if I'm only causing you pain....I'm sorry" he said shutting his eyes sobbing silently.

"I'm sorry..I'm so sorry...I'm sorry I love you" he sobbed out. Nowaki stood there wide eyed registering everything Hiroki was telling him....is this really what he felt. A frown graced his features as he pulled Hiroki into his embrace once more, allowing him to sob against him one of his hands petting his hair to calm him.

"Hiro-san" he said "don't say that" he said Hiroki's eyes opened as tears spilt over them. "Don't say that Hiro-san please don't say that" he said almost begging in a way. "I love you....I love you with all my heart......you've never treated me cruelly and nothing that you've ever done has caused me any pain" he said holding him closer his voice sounded desperate to make him understand as if it was of the utmost importance. "You are a good person being around you would never turn me into something like that and your not like that either" he said.

"Don't say that you don't deserve me....and please don't hate yourself for loving me" he begged his voice beginning to sound like he was about to cry as well. "Your the most important person in my whole life...and I never want to lose you" he said "Hiro-san I wouldn't care what you did to me or how you treated me as long as you loved me....as long as I'm with you.....I wouldn't care if you murdered me I'd still love you" he said holding the brunette tightly refusing to ever let go he felt a tear streak his face, he never wanted Hiroki to feel like this.

Hiroki's eyes were wide as he heard him say this.

"I love you no matter what Hiro-san" he said and his words were sincere "As long as I'm with you....no matter what you do to me....just as long as you love me and I'm with you....I'll be happy" he said.

"So please don't say that" he said.

"Don't say your sorry for loving me" he said.

"Don't say any of those things again" he begged.

"Don't apologize for loving me" he said holding onto him praying that he would understand him.

"Don't say you don't love me" he begged.

"Don't say that" he said, Hiroki's eyes squinted slightly tears spilling over his eyes, as they stood there in the darkness of their home with the storm raging outside, the white covering the window mixed with grey. Hiroki felt the large weight lifted from him and the ache in his heart disappeared.

He lifted up his head finally as tears dripping down his face, he looked at Nowaki staring into his blue eyes. Nowaki leaned down their lips connecting, the kiss was gentle and comforting a seal almost to prove to the both of them they belonged to each other. Once they departed Hiroki panted lightly staring at Nowaki unable to look away from him. Now relieved to know that he could love Nowaki without fear, love him without feeling selfish, he could love him and never hurt him.

Nowaki held him tightly Hiroki's sobbing had ceased, both calmed in each others arms. Like them as well the storm outside had calmed as well. The power stayed off though but they didn't care because all that mattered now was them, Hiroki stared at Nowaki opening his mouth again

"I love you" he said. Nowaki let a warm smile grace his features as he leaned down and kissing him gently.

"I love you too" he said. Hiroki looked at him again though.

"Gomenasai, I tried to stop loving you"

he said and then rested his head on the others chest and closed his eyes letting himself drift off peacefully, now he didn't care were he drifted to, everything was at peace now, now nothing else mattered because he knew now that no matter what Nowaki would always love him, and he would always return it.

END

_**Okay its done okay i really liked writing this chapter i LUVS me some hurt/comfort alrigth please review**_


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